You can grow into love, but you grow out of lust. Chemistry often seems to have the power to blind us. A good therapist can facilitate the relational growth process, whether working with you individually or as a couple. As each partner projects his or her old hurts onto the current partner, they each justifiably feel blamed for something that's not entirely about them. In this situation it would have been healthier to bask in the delicious feelings of arousal without acting on them until you learned much more about each other's personalities, characters and life situations. Some people describe chemistry in metaphorical terms, such as "like cookie dough and vanilla ice cream", or "like a performance". You get hooked on repeated highs of impersonal sex with a particular physical type masturbatory or with a partner , which hinder you from finding real intimacy in a long-term love relationship. The part that is about them is often a big blind spot so they can only see their partner's role in the problem. It can also be the difference between someone remaining faithful in their relationship, and seeking one night stands and affairs. Chemistry predicts nothing but chemistry. Extreme imprints that begin like this partially explain some paraphilias such as fetishes and voyeurism. If partners break up before learning more about those negative characteristics they were drawn to and how to develop the missing pieces in themselves, next time they feel intense chemistry with someone they will probably repeat the whole process Magnetic Infatuation In many cases of intense chemistry there is powerful magnetism because, in addition to physical attraction, you each have some of the major positive and negative characteristics of significant people in your partner's earlier life. When your calls aren't returned you make excuses because "the chemistry was so strong! For example, confidence seems to morph into dominance or conceit.
At the point where the glow of infatuation wears off, unfinished business leads to a power struggle in which each partner highlights, provokes and responds to familiar negative characteristics and tries to get what was missed in early life from the current partner. Intense sexual "chemistry" is a high like no other. For example, your lust partner has said a lot about how attracted he or she is to you but you have learned very little else about each other and no future plans to meet have been made beyond "I'll call you". Blatant cues come from messages about attractiveness from your culture, popular media, family and peers that you receive all your life. SHARE You're single and content and suddenly ambushed by an intense, intoxicating connection with someone you've just met. In my practice I work with individuals on identifying and managing the contradictory values they have about sex that interfere with healthy relationship decisions. This is because "if a person is comfortable with themselves, they are better able to express their true self to the world, which makes it easier to get to know them You get hooked on repeated highs of impersonal sex with a particular physical type masturbatory or with a partner , which hinder you from finding real intimacy in a long-term love relationship. Unfinished Emotional Business People are drawn to immature magnetic matches because they provide opportunities for completing unfinished emotional business. First, if you are really hungry for love when lust comes along you become more prone to fantasizing a relationship where none exists because your unmet relational needs cause you to selectively interpret reality. Unfinished business comes from missing some kind of nurturing that is necessary for emotional stability, validation and growth because parents or other important figures in your early life could not provide it. She decided that "chemistry occurred most often between people who are down-to-earth and sincere". You will be consciously aware of the positive features, but the negative ones that also lure you will stay below radar until you get to know each other better. But it can also make you do ridiculous things. While some people hold that it is something that you "can't learn and can't teach Once the initial romantic blowtorch begins to cool, each partner's negative submerged characteristics become visible typically after two or three months of dating regularly. Psychologist Laurie Betito notes that arranged marriages actually do quite well in terms of relationship satisfaction, and this is because "a spark can build based on what you have in common. Other cues are more personal and unconscious. Relationship growth and repair must include 1 treating each other with respect during conflict e. You're simply each other's physical "type" and lack, or don't bother finding out about, any other kind of compatibility. Chemistry predicts nothing but chemistry. At the healthiest end of the continuum are rare megawatt relationships that begin with great passion and stay hot, supportive and satisfying for a lifetime - perhaps Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith? If partners break up before learning more about those negative characteristics they were drawn to and how to develop the missing pieces in themselves, next time they feel intense chemistry with someone they will probably repeat the whole process One can also uncontrollably smile whenever thinking about the other person. She suggests that chemistry comes and goes, and it's important to actively cultivate it because it can help couples deal with future conflicts. Some people will enter relationships with incompatible mates blinded by chemistry.
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