He looks behind him to see Jaylen toddling toward the entrance, and with little more than uncertainty ahead, Johnson stands on the curb and waits for her to drift out of sight before stepping, finally, off the edge. He was arrested again for an incident with an ex-girlfriend, and he cycled among peddling bootleg makeup kits on South Beach, being turned down for a job stocking shelves, researching how to join the military. The way he describes it, the best he can do sometimes is to shield her view. He flips through the stapled pages: He noticed himself staring at one of them, feeling a growing urge to punch him. Or has Johnson, with his history of blame deflection and self-validating reasons, simply found an unimpeachable — and unprovable — excuse? The Hulk was coming, so at one point he excused himself and, without explanation, just left. Jaylen counts her fingers. He cracks his knuckles, sighs loudly, checks his phone. How will he react this time if the demons come? Less than two years later, he was arrested again for shoving a different woman to the floor of a bar. They talked, and so did the friends — a little too much, maybe — and after a while Johnson could feel the shadow falling.
He agreed, and indeed he was drawn to her. Then he posted the video on Instagram before loading his pockets with painkillers and ecstasy, he says, and set off into the space beneath a dropping curtain. What just went wrong? He has, more recently, filled his bookshelf not with reminders of his playing career but with photographs of Jaylen and her paintings. Or has Johnson, with his history of blame deflection and self-validating reasons, simply found an unimpeachable — and unprovable — excuse? Almost in a heartbeat, Johnson went from sociable and joyful to deeply angry and potentially violent — frightening, at least this time, only himself. Her father believes it's also the only one, when the demons push him to the edge, strong enough to pull him back. Her voice is soft as a whisper. Their relationship is the only thing capable of pulling Johnson back from the edge, he says. If friends invite him out, more and more he turns them down. The line starts moving, and he tucks in her shirt and kisses her again. Years after trying to adapt his personality to an unforgiving game, Johnson found himself too volatile for the NFL. At one point he sat on a sidewalk, exhausted and struggling to breathe, and thought of his daughter. A misunderstanding, Johnson would say. Again staring at the numbers. Johnson has high expectations for Jaylen, and he believes the universe was making a point when it gave him a daughter. They talked, and so did the friends — a little too much, maybe — and after a while Johnson could feel the shadow falling. He rubs his hands, massages his forehead, checks his watch. But his empathy is sometimes drowned out by more dominant emotions. He noticed himself staring at one of them, feeling a growing urge to punch him. He was a rusher so durable and fierce that, while playing for the Kansas City Chiefs in , he set an NFL record with carries. He has been arrested six times, and several of the incidents involved Johnson physically assaulting women. Over his final two seasons, with Washington and Miami, he carried the ball six times. Johnson lifts the remote again. But more than the impact, he now says, he felt then that he had let his father down. He carries her toward the elementary school and kisses her cheek as they cross the driveway and fall into a line of students.
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